ice water effect

just when my worries are far from over, in comes another one. is it payback time for all the wonderful things i've been enjoying the past few? wait, there weren't so great after all, so please, come on...the pressure has gone stronger today than any other day.and i can't seem to talk about it to anyone else better than myself...
sooner or later, i'd have to decide. but thing is, am i really ready for this?sad fact is, i know i'm not.
this is just like pouring ice water on me on a cold december morning in baguio. i know i wont die of it, but i know i'll never be the same again. gad, what have i done now? geez.

like doing laps in an f1 race, am i ready to go on full throttle or should i go for a pit stop and check on the squeaky front tires? oh gad. i have other worries that need my full attention when this equally important thing came up. oh man, should i ? or should i? bamboozled and discombobulated both won't suffice to describe the state of confusion i am in right now.

i feel that i really have no luck in love. i shouldve thought about this a long time ago. remind me not love my job that much that i couldn't really decide objectively.i have to admit, i had high hopes, and why not, i'm not getting any younger but still, i could only lash out sighs and more sighs. oh man.

time to rethink the possibilities i suppose and work around them...i'm not looking forward to another bucket of ice water, no thanks!

something beautiful...i think!

submitted this as a film review for my sped201 class back in 2002...

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Aside from trying to figure out the mathematical explanation for how bad a friend’s tie appeared to be, John Forbes Nash Jr also managed to flush 150 years worth of strongly held economic belief down the drain. He did this during his early years at Princeton University.

Ron Howard’s widely acclaimed bio-pic starts off with the West Virginia prodigy reinventing Adam Smith. The Nash Equilibrium is a theory, which proves that every game reaches a state of equilibrium where none of the players can improve their position and it has been applied to such wide ranging practical subjects as the FCC's auction of bandwidth. Although it’s supposedly Nash’s most trivial work to date, it was brilliant enough to earn for him the Nobel Prize for the Economic Sciences back in 1994.

This was long after he finished battling paranoid schizophrenia. The filmmaker’s intermixing of delusions with realities is effective in that it keeps the audience guessing as to whether Nash is or is not insane. But more importantly, it is successful in showing a broken genius, a man betrayed by his own truths.

The film contains obvious attempts to explain Nash’s sickness. This is evident in a scene where young, cocky Nash loses a board game to a rival. Bitter, he declares: “the game must be flawed!”. This is a metaphor suggestive of how Nash’s frustrations must have led him to retreat to an imaginary world where he is better appreciated.

The last half of the movie shows a humbler, more sociable Nash able to ignore his delusions and to willingly admit in front of all those Nobel folks how his lovely wife actually saved the day.

But that’s strictly for the birds. Nash’s speech contained nothing of that sort. Only, that material is quite consistent with the movie’s marketing pitch: “It is a great gift to have a beautiful mind, but an even greater gift is to have a beautiful heart”. It is a truly classic way of pitting the emotions against the intellect; of equating courage with the former and genius with the latter.

But then genius is no longer believed to be confined in the workings of the mind, to be measured by standardized IQ tests alone. An exceptional ability like that of Nash’s is not even, as they say, a matter of degree but of a different quality of experiencing: vivid, absorbing, penetrating, encompassing, complex, commanding -- a way of being ‘quiveringly’ alive”.

Nash himself was stereotypically portrayed. There are departures from actual accounts meant to make for a ‘softer Nash’, one we can bear to watch at the most comfortable angle to watch him from.

Nash is said to have learned not by studying other people’s works but by rediscovering them for himself. Sure, the guy is brilliant. But his brilliance is coupled with the compelling need to create something. In an autobiography, Nash writes. “ Statistically, it would seem improbable that any mathematician or scientist, at the age of 66, would be able through continued research efforts, to add much to his or her previous achievements. However I am still making the effort and it is conceivable that with the gap period of about 25 years of partially deluded thinking providing a sort of vacation my situation may be atypical. Thus I have hopes of being able to achieve something of value through my current studies or with any new ideas that come in the future”.

It is said that a truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanely sensitive. To them... a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death.

Nash’s passionate need to go looking for his “original idea” may have brought him to the brink of sanity, but let us not forget it may have redeemed him from it as well.

destiny to fulfill...

I've been working on my paper for the longest time. I think my autistic tendencies are at it again.Argh. But I'm making headway I believe. I just have to give myself sometime to sit down and relax . But that's what I've been doing, haven't I?

Anyway, I just found out that Destiny's Child is really coming to Manila in April. Whoaaa, aren't I excited to see the girls! Go Beyonce...Go Kelly...Go Michelle!!! Time to unearth my DC discography.

Looking forward to this weekend though. My buddies from highschool would be treating us out . Two of them have celebrated their birthdays and so we're in for a fantastic weekend...I just hope to be well by then. I've been sickly the past. To think I haven't been really working that hard. Look I've been procrastinating over my paper for a week and a coupla days already. Sigh!!!

Here's to me and all the hardworking people out there! Cheers!

Back to you...

Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you
I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late

Over you
I'm never over
Over you
Something about you
It's just the way you move
The way you move me
-JOHN CLAYTON MAYER, Back to You

This is my song at the moment. Let's just say somebody just wanted to keep in closer touch. And although so much hurtful things have flown out, the feeling is still satisfying. Words could be poisonous but if you have the antidote for that...then you'd be safe. Love always works!

biting back on reality

It's been more than a month since the goddess wrote, and boy had she had a lot to say in the previous outings. If this were my career I wouldve sucked at it big time and became a hobo. Being busy would be the lamest excuse now. The concept of 'being busy' is definitely beyond me. Sigh!

Anyhow, I've been pondering on the so-called future the past few. Once again, I'm at that point where I am actually thinking about the possibilities. I'm still happy with my jobs. But I still get pressured by certain things: my age, my peers's salaries,my own salary, my health,my big plans...and so on and so forth. Geez, I better do something I know. But unless I get this other thing off my chest and off my head, then I'd be good to go. Certain decisions have to be made. However, I couldn't completely decide yet, because all of a sudden I feel that am I really supposed to decide now? and would that decision really matter now that things seem to be taking a different turn? Ahhh. Life in disarray never fails to amuse anyone. And yes, I'm speaking in tongues now. Again, if this blogging thing is my bread and butter, then I suppose I better start telling my self that I ought to just do away with the bread and butter and enjoy my water. Hehehe.

I have to pick myself up from here on. Last night something life threatening happened to me, and it's quite amazing how I saw myself fast forward to the future and feeling that I would be such a disappointment. Oh garsh... Oh well. Here's to the goddess! More blah blahs!