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JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES, VOLUME VIII.
BY JOHN MOE - - - -
ATTENTION,
MR. AXL ROSE:
WE DID NOT FEEL WELCOME IN THE JUNGLE.
- - - -
Dear Mr. Rose,
I am writing on behalf of my wife, Thelma, and myself to demand a full refund of the $6,500 paid for our recent "Welcome to the Jungle" safari. I know you sensed our unhappiness during the trip, but I bet you wondered if we'd actually demand our money back. Oh, yes, we certainly are, mister. You bet we are.
I must admit we had our doubts when we first signed up. But the price was dramatically lower than any other safari we looked into and, since we're seniors on a fixed income, we figured this would be our best chance to see rhinos and the like. You and your colleagues, particularly Mr. Slash, were cagey about where specifically we'd be traveling. Thelma says she thinks some of the assistant tour guides might even have been on the drugs. You might want to look into that.
Just as I did at the time, I object to your blindfolding us for the entire trip to Africa. It was uncomfortable and frightening. After looking into it and calling some other tour companies, I've learned that you were wrong about everyone doing it that way. In fact, nobody does it that way, Mr. Rose. Nobody!
The trip was a disaster from almost the beginning. True, you welcomed us to the jungle. And that was hospitable. And right off the bat you promised fun and games. But there were never any fun and games! Would it have been so hard to put together a bingo or a quick trivia thing? Then you promised that you and the other fellows could find whatever we might need. Well, we needed food and somewhere to lie down for a while. And all you offered was some stale pretzels and an old futon. Your offer to somehow acquire new diseases in exchange for extra money was very 0unsettling. I don't know if that's what the kids do these days, catch new diseases for fun, but that's not our idea of a good time! If anything, we were going to need extra medicine, not diseases.
Thelma and I thought right then that we should try to get out of there, but we didn't know how to get around in the jungles of Africa. You were all we had, Mr. Rose! Well, we should have just left anyway. Any encounter with a hippo or lion or monkey would have been better than staying with you. Your "learn to live like an animal" program was very hard on Thelma and me. And painful. I still don't understand why, if we were really in the jungle, we couldn't just see real animals instead of having to live like them. Also, I love my wife very much, Mr. Rose, but she is not "a very sexy girl." She is an elderly woman! And I don't think she is very hard to please; she just wants a pleasant vacation and some water occasionally.
Of course, then things got out of hand. All that business about us getting on our knees? Why, Mr. Rose? And why were you saying you were going to make us bleed? That was horrible! And I absolutely can't imagine why you would tell people in the jungle that they're going to die! That was mean and frightening! And through it all you kept saying, "Welcome to the jungle." Screaming it, really. But, frankly, I came to doubt your sincerity. I don't think you were really welcoming us at all. It was like you were trying to threaten and seduce us at the same time. That's not welcoming, and that's not what we signed up for, Mr. Rose!
One more thing: We have shown pictures of our safari to friends and relatives back here in Minnesota. And they think we were never in the jungle at all but rather in Los Angeles the whole time! It's not just the lack of animals (how could they all be sleeping, Mr. Rose?) that makes people think this; it's all the buildings, the cars with California license plates, and the people at the Whiskey-A-Go-Go nightclub. We suspect that those weren't native people dancing to tribal music, as you claimed, but "heavy-metal supporters" at a "rock show."
Please send us a full refund immediately. My best to Mr. Stradlin, Mr. Slash, Mr. McKagan, and Mr. Adler.
William Brownstone
Fergus Falls, MN
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*muffnote: this was on the this nifty site my dear island boy wanted me to read...
thought i'd share ... and for those not in the know- gnr had an album entitled the spaghetti incident.
I liked this week better than last week’s. I dunno. Perhaps it’s because I was able to accomplish more today…but I just did that over the last coupla days. Rachelle is already my certified gymgurlfren…oh goody! She admitted to me yesterday that she’s enjoying it so far, considering she’s only been there barely a week. I’ve lotsa munny this week--payday weekend-- now so I’m planning to throw my brother a 2-day overdue birthday celeb. I’m sure he’d like that…
I’m actually thinking if I should go and buy Mariah’s new album. I haven’t been buying cds lately. And I wouldn’t really mind if it’d be a Mariah. I dunno. I think her album’s gonna sound great in the car on long drives. I’m no Mariah fan but I just feel that it’s a good buy.
Here’s a list of the albums I’m gonna get this payday weekend:
1. X&Y-Coldplay
2. The Emancipation of Mimi- Mariah Carey
3. The story goes…- Craig David
4. Hand in my pocket acoustic- Alanis Morissette
5. The Fantastic 4 OST- Various Artists
I’m pretty sure I’d be adding some more along the way. Geez, I just hope that I won’t go over my budget.
E I G H T E E N H A L F T R U T H S .
BY CHRISTOPHER PAINTER
- - - -
1. Orange is the absence of all color.
2. A person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with blood.
3. George Washington's wooden eyes are on permanent display at the Smithsonian.
4. There's a tiny, almost invisible thread embedded in all U.S. Currency, and it is made from bumble bees.
5. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every single fox cliche once.
6. If you feed a dog chocolate, it will not be able to sneeze with its eyes open.
7. The cheetah is faster than any other animal on land at making excuses.
8. Due to wartime rationing and a scarcity of all metals, the Oscars given out during World War II were manufactured from cattle bones.
9. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for money.
10. A shark can detect one part of gin in 100 million parts of tonic.
11. Both Hitler and Napoleon were each missing one goat.
12. A rhinoceros horn is made of hate, accumulated and gradually hardened over the years.
13. Some almonds contain cashews.
14. An elephant can smell a broken heart up to three miles away.
15. The average human requires more calories to smile while eating a piece of celery than to frown and vomit it back up.
16. An ostrich's eye is larger than its capacity to love.
17. Leonardo da Vinci could simultaneously write backwards and upside-down with one hand and kill a man with the other.
18. Starfish harbor no regrets.
I’m on and off the panic mode. Geez. Should I flunk the board, I have nobody else to blame but myself and procrastinating ways. Drat!
I thought I was going to get my act together over the weekend but nooooo..I just pondered on life and tv and movies and playing with the kids. I also went with my highschool buddies and slept over. We just dined, talked and slept..Yup, all we did…and oh, we got to realize in unison that we’re not getting any younger. Yeah, yeah, rub it in!
A little side note here- The Old Spaghetti House is pretty okey. We liked their thin-crust pizza. I enjoyed my arriabiata although I’d still give it to piadini for their hands down to die for garlic oil concuction. Anyway, the highlight for Saturday was basically my line getting cut. To think I just owe them 600 bucks… drat! Stupid cashier or prolly people from Globe Galleria did not advise that I have partially settled that I only owe 600 and this was due on the 20th..and what? Twas only the 16th!
Oh well..I’m heading home now…I wanna rest. And prolly, again, attempt to review…yayahahahaha…
Check out pinoyexchange people…join the local and international issues thread. Great source of infotainment these days. Hehehehe…
A big sigh--I didn’t get drunk the following Friday… I was sooo looking forward to getting drunk but the taste of my first beer turned me off. It’s the fort strip again, with prior week’s bunch minus John. I distinctly remember having a pianini for dinner. A welcome treat from Pasto with mac salad on the side and about a glass each of lemon and raspberry iced tea. Ofcourse I was in the company of a wonderful friend who never runs out of interesting kwentos. She was reminiscing about someone while we evesdrop on our next table neighbor… if only for the beer, my night would have been off the wall fantastic..hay…but no twas alright at least I got to see some friends. The whole point anyway was to spend quality time with friends. A week after our friend’s declaration of pseudo-liberation, there she was—on to the next battle. She confessed anyway that she’s gotten so used to be with somebody that she doesn’t really want to even know how it is to be alone. She also said that she doesn’t see any hope in getting back together with estranged boyfriend. I say, this could be true.
On to the next Friday, I spent time in the gym pondering about the days to come. I was rushing for no apparent reason but I managed to do an hour on the treadmill. I skipped the sauna and just spent a good 10 minutes on the shower…I dunno. All of a sudden, I felt alone. I needed the refuge of my home. My family. Must be the island boy thinking about how he can get back at me. Not getting back together though, but just getting back over my so called cheating…like duh??? Oh well..life…I just wish I could earn my masteral in drinking pretty soon. Darn it!!!
